Is There A Place For Me – Strangelove

There is something I have lost.

I have lost something.

Something is lost.

I am something and I am lost.

I don’t know what it is but I know its no longer here, there, or anywhere.

I’m simply stumbling through.

Half a person.

I feel alone.

Not just now when I’m in a room on my own but all the time. Even when there are other people, even when I’m a part of things, even when I’m laughing, even when I’m causing the laughter, even when I feel the warmth of your embrace, or his embrace, or her embrace.

There are no other people.

I’m not a part of things.

I can’t hear the laughter.

I don’t understand what is funny.

I can’t feel you, any of you.

A benign psychopath, I try to mimic the people who don’t feel this way, the people who feel something other than the awful dread I feel.

Feeling.

I feel grotesque and lonely.

Grotesquely lonely.

I don’t belong here.

I’m a freak.

Making myself bleed just to feel something else.

I’ve lost control.

Then I heard it.

The song.

There had been other songs, songs I had tried to make fit my experience, songs I had tried to use to make sense of my half life, songs I had allowed to forge an identity for me.

Fake.

This was different.

This time I felt something.

Feeling.

What was missing was found and put back in place.

A hole.

Made whole.

I didn’t know who it was, all I knew was that it had crashed into my heart, found a place in what was left of my soul, caressed me with its poetry and its honesty and made me believe that there might just be a place for me.

I had found a bower, quiet for me in the midst of the Ginsberg howl of the voice and the roar of the band. Had heard the sound of a strange love. Felt the tender touch of another bruised, broken and battered soul.

Even now, so many years later, when I feel that something is missing, that there is no place for me, that I am alone and lonely in the crowd I think of this and know that I am not alone.

Thank you.