I won’t be attending Glastonbury this year.
Or any year.
It’s the outdoors.
I think I might be allergic to…fresh air.
Or it might be the crowds.
Other people are certainly allergic to me.
But from the safety of my sitting room and with enough Haribo to fuel a dozen five year olds I will be laid out on my sofa watching the coverage and wishing I wasn’t such a stick in the mud…although there won’t be any actual mud at this years festival ironically.
Who would I most like to see?
Early on Friday morning I would probably wake up in time to catch The Vaccines on the Other Stage at half past eleven. That seems like a good way to start the day to me.
Very little could keep me away from Sheryl Crow who appears on the main stage at half past two on Friday. She has nine Grammy awards and countless other nominations as well as a back catalogue that blends country, folk, rock ‘n’ roll and pop in gloriously thrilling ways. Just the prospect of seeing her play “Hard to Make a Stand” like she did back in 1997 would be enough to make me happy. Ahem.
The Charlatans are also playing on Friday and they are one of my favourite bands.
I loves them.
Really I do.
Nothing would stop me from seeing them do that thing they do like nobody else do.
Except…well, Ms. Lauryn Hill is playing at the same time.
Don’t blame me.
I don’t schedule these things.
I might never get the chance to see her again.
Thankfully I will be able to watch both sets thanks to the miracle of television but if I was in that field…I would be watching Lauryn.
The headline slot on Friday night throws up another clash…
Do I witness the gothic, indie, rock, alt-rock, thrills and spills of Interpol or do I watch the blistering, righteous, blasts and beats of Stormzy?
I have a feeling that Stormzy is going to be as important, and significant, as Jay-Z.
I don’t think I would want to miss out on that.
Also…he’s bloody incredible.
Saturday morning would kick off with a little bit of the Celtic soul and folky charms of The Proclaimers. They have been around for so long and they have so many beautiful songs that on a sunny day they might be the thing that causes your heart to actually melt.
Fellow Scot Lewis Capaldi is also someone I’d be interested to catch.
He has a gorgeous voice but, as importantly, he is funny and charming in equal parts. Songs of heartbreak and hope…but mainly heartbreak. I’m a sucker for that.
Then I would have to choose between guitar legend and all around great bloke Johnny Marr and Janet Jackson.
There is no way I wouldn’t go and see Janet Jackson.
You can bleat all day long about how men with guitars are real musicians but I’ve already stopped listening to you. You go and stand with the other boys (and it will be boys) in Paisley patterned shirts and bucket hats braying for Johnny to do another Smiths song and I’ll stand, spellbound, by a genuine icon.
A BIG problem then presents itself.
Liam Gallagher vs Neneh Cherry.
I say a big problem but, again, it’s not a big problem for me.
I love Liam Gallagher.
I think he is fab.
But I am not missing Neneh Cherry.
Not even for Liam.
I have loved Neneh for a lot longer than I have loved Liam.
I think he will understand.
Oh this is getting ridiculous.
I have to choose between The Chemical Brothers and The Killers.
I reckon many of you would plump for The Chemical Brothers here…I think there might even be a bit of derision flying in the direction of Brandon and the boys. But the thing is Brandon is a Mormon and I was brought up as a Mormon…I feel like I need to support him.
I really want to see The Chemical Brothers though.
The devil wins.
The Chemical Brothers it is.
Wu Tang Clan are playing then too.
Forget what I just said, I’m heading for the gravel pit.
Sunday, sunday, tidy attire.
Read the colour supplement and think about who to see.
Things are a bit easier here.
Mavis Staples at lunchtime.
A bona fide legend.
Then a double bill of Kylie followed by Miley.
I could finish the day off with The Cure…but, truthfully, I don’t think their grand, gothic, delights are how I would want to end my Glastonbury experience so, instead, I am going to go and watch Chris(tine) and the Queens.